Jokes , Trivia & Anecdotes...

Ask the Doctor

2009-06-25T15:26:00.000+03:00

Que: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Ans: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Que: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Ans: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Que: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Ans: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Que: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Ans: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Que: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Ans: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Que: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Ans: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Que: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
AnsDefinitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Que: Is chocolate bad for me?
Ans: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Que: Is swimming good for your figure?
Ans: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Que: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Ans: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ouch....

2009-06-16T12:49:00.000+03:00

A man was heading home after a drinking spree. When
he was approaching his home, armed gangsters blocked
him and took command of his vehicle.

On frisking him they failed to get any money and out of
frustration they decided to punish him by driving into his
compound and tying him naked on a tree which was
situated at the corner of his house and left him there
naked while his hands and legs were tied to the tree.
They then took off.

In the morning his worried wife woke up only to see
her husband naked on the tree with his manhood dangling.
she screamed and ran to call the villagers since she
thought the man was either dead or crazy.

When the villagers came, they immediately untied him
and brought him down. The man immediately, armed
with a stick went straight for the young calf which was
grazing and started chasing it all over the compound,
and when villagers protested he said "you have no idea
what this calf has done to me the whole night!!!"

The calf had mistaken his manhood for the mothers’ tits
and tried to suckle milk the whole night without success!

Tafsiri hii:

2008-05-22T11:51:00.001+03:00

Mke na mume walisikizana wakitaka ngono watatumia code " kupiga simu" ili watoto wasielewe.

Basi siku moja walikua wameteta hawasemezani.

Baba akamtuma mtoto: " mwambie mamako nataka simu!"

Mama akamwambia mtoto: " mwambie imeharibika!"

Baba akanena: " mwambie basi nitakwenda kupiga nje"

Mama akamtuma motto: " Mwambie akienda kupiga nje na mimi nitafungua simu ya jamii!!!"

Jaluo Very Complicated JVC Aii yawa !!

2008-03-20T16:10:00.000+03:00

AN AVERAGE PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

JVC: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be
advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

*******************************************************
AN AVERAGE PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
JVC : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
JVC : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly
auriferous.
*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
JVC : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
JVC : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beginner's luck
JVC : Neophyte's serendipity.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
JVC : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small,
green, biophytic plant.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
JVC : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
JVC : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
JVC : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

*********************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
JVC : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile
fluid.

*******************************************************

AN AVERAGE PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
JVC : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative maneuvers.

*******************************************************
AN AVERAGE PERSON : Look before you leap
JVC : Surveillance should precede saltation.

*******************************************************
AN AVERAGE PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
JVC : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.

*******************************************************
AN AVERAGE PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
JVC : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

*******************************************************
AN AVERAGE PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
JVC : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

CRAZY/FUNNY LINES BY TEACHERS/LECTURERS...season 2

2008-03-13T12:00:00.002+03:00

there was this crazy teacher
he was booed during parade and his response was
"Form 3 maraya....Form 4 Makende!!!"
LOL!!...may he rest in peace.

games teacher from meru who used to coach hokey. we went to a tournament and lost and this guy was like
that oke viud was illy and mbamby

scientific names ... what you hear when they are pronounced in strong GEMA accents
Wuchereria bancrofti - wachilia blockofoti
Schistosoma mansonii - sitasoma masomo

One day kwa parade.....
' wangapi wenu wanaenda choo(show)

fm4 maths teacher sights a noisemaker..
"u brack boy stand up" a dark dude stands up."Nooh not u,u darker bracker!"

In form 2..
during english lit class- setbook ..julius ceaser
"Heafe hoo!! theii mandad thitha!!"
(heave ho! the've murdered ceaser!)

Chem teacher...
What es ndi ndi tii ? (what is DDT?)
Ndi ndi tii stands for ndaikroro-ndaifreno-traicroro-ithen!
(ddt stands for dichlorodiphenoltrichloroethane)

A Swa teacher critisizing one of her students
" Kiyana! Umeanthiliwa na lunga ya mama!"

Sasa mwalimu wa mathematics during a double maths lesson one afternoon and most students are dozing in class seriously. Topic ni calculus bana
Mwalimu(with a kao accent): The vomula is ndi hex ndi wai (DX DY)
(Some students nod. Kimani amepatikana akilala darasani)
Mwalimu ( with a kao accent): aya Gimani simama! What av I njust saind (said)?
Kimani: er...er...
Students (whispering in an effort to help Kim): Sema yes, sema yes wewe!!
Kimani: er...er...Mwalimu the answer is yes!! (class bursts out laughing)
Mwalimu: Schupind mboy! unafikilia kachuras(calculus) unasoma ukilala lala kwa ndalasa? Nget hout and ngo wait for me at nthe ndeputy's hoffice!

the chem teacher had drama with the letter "v".
one time he said fisical city.Naturally almost kila mtu put down.Physical city.Kube! he meant VISCOSITY.

The boarding master during assembly
If I found you chairing(sharing) your share(chair) i will beat you!

this chute history teacher....
'u vary u die,u dont vary u die,vy die(U worry u die,u dony worry u die,why worry)

this commerce teacher kwanza on thursdays aftee,
double lessons in a class of dozing studeez. He would just teach and then about kedo 10 mins b4 winding up the lesson he would just start his thing ati ....
...."let the sleeping ndongz lie cz nthe nday of nthe lornd iz kaming wheny men will be seperated from womeny and it will be a nday and a half where jhu(you) will be sitting 1m apart sweating it out alone.So class let the sleeping ndongz....... "and then he would leave.

A classteacher used to say,,,,,
'my boys today u r very smart and nobody can remove me there'

Had a kyuk games master explaining the cross country route..direct translation bana .
....toush the load and you go a paper to the frag post then beat the corner and crimb the hirr,,i'rr be nrrowry on your behind..

-high skul math teacher
IF u raughs at my ingrish i wirru raugh at ur mathematics
it is very surds

another lecturer said to me as i stand by the parking lot
" excuse me madam move over i fuck my car"

Primo somwhere in Nakkss.....
Msishhana kuja hapa!!!
Fura kama Rabooo!! (flex ur arms like rambo)
Miguu kama Nijaaa!! (and ur legs like aninja turtle)
(and he chunas u in ur thighs vibaya...when u make that "sssss noise" he goes
Kura miwa! kura miwa! kura miwa! kura miwa!!!

in primo, this kao games teacher once told some gal
"musyana, iyo pumbi ita kuappect"....meaning msichana iyo vumbi ita ku-affect.lol

Primo very young boarding sch
Teacher: Wewe wasiwasi kama kuku mgeni. Umerogwa na aliyekuroga amekufa. Watever that meant.
Pull up yu socks. The gal did pull up her socks literally . It meant yu need to put more eff into yu work. That was funny

Field trip to L. Nakuru, some game warden explaining....
The framigos feed on mblu-ngleen aunji in the rake

Then the formidable Lit teacher who showed her displeasure by telling you to
'Ngo bury your nose!' yaani put your head under your desk for the remainder of the class.

Ticho to student.
I cant fig aut if u r hangere, agere or angere
......................hungry,ugly or angry

When babanginda from nigeria used to be preso.
What is the name of nigerias 1st lady called.
Student fast track...Mwarimu mwarimu Mamanginda DUHHH!

The physics teacher : "A fullet was bired..."

Same teacher..anatha gal once came to klass late..found him akifunza then she knocked en was told to "enter" the gal went excuse herself why she was late bt even b4 she opened her mouth the teacher went...
"Umesherewa kwa nini?"
the gal said "am not feeling well"
the teacher... "Umeabiwa hapa ni hospitari.."ouch.
N/B angekupata kwa makosa.."kibia 8 gireen uabie wagoi akupatie kiboko yagu uniretee.."

in hi skool?
kijana shimama unadhanish hukush ni kwa nyanyakosh!infactch nenda ukarare pare mbere kisha unifwatesh uchapwesh vibokosh!
we used to call him gomosh

when found sleeping,this ticha used to say...
..u have become mutu ya KKK....kura,kurara na kweda shooo(choo)

CRAZY/FUNNY LINES BY TEACHERS/LECTURERS

2008-03-07T15:39:00.002+03:00

I compiled this from facebook......remember my disclaimer???

FB-teachers.....
On finding a piece of paper....
PICK UP THE PAPER & FALL IN THE DUSTBIN!!!.....

Insulting a rowdy student
mbasket! ndon't mbe a square

on a certain hot afternoon

"open the windows or else we fornicate "

A certain dep
"Both of you three...meet me in my office" ..... our deputy HM
" can yu lie on the heavens of that table.... im giving 6 of the best!

"Hey you three boys, both of you, follow me in front!" na " Eeeeh wee kijana! Walk running! Can you walk running!"

The dep reading list of noisemakers
"listen to ur words"

Art teacher in primo
PUNGULU! ... Meaning hit the dirt and receive your caning.

Teacher..*Comes across 2 guys on the same bed*

U two boys. y are u sleeping twice?

One fine afternoon during double maths lesson..
Lesson is about Probability Vijana wame doze mbaya darasani. Mwalimu ni TP (you know those university students in training to be teachers) kutoka KU campo na ni mkambodia from Kilungu

Mwalimu: wat is the prombambirity that the mballs in nthe mbazket are red?
Student: aaa mwalimu hiyo ni ngumu
Mwalimu: ee kijana!! kwanza una nyoa nyoa mboxi kwa kichwa ehh?
Student: lakini mwalimu si box ni hair style?
Mwalimu: waaat? una zuza zuza nini? chiit!
Student: aaa mwalimu wacha...
Mwalimu: chatap!!

swahili teacher comes to class and patas that a number hadnt completed assignment n she says
...kasi yenu ni kweda bwenini(hostel),kukurakura,kurararara na kurarua guo hata kasi ya siada hamuwesi mukamarisa...

One day the bio teacher found a student laughing and shouted....
'Stop laughing like a toothless dogless'

Now this mwalimu was new n when he came to class he handed a student a paper to write his name and said ...
' write down ua name and father of your name (direct translation)

There's this day a teacher in primo came to class...found us makin noise.asked the prefect 4 the list o noicemakerz bt hakuwa ameandika..Teacher hakuamini....akamshow
''basi adika suspects''

Our HM always used to give weird remarks and people would boo at her, so she would take the whole morning slapping everyone on parade asking
' who titi mbu?' (who booooed at me)

One day @ senior teachers' office-
' Will you hang that calendar on the wall or else I'll hang my self'

first day in physics lab...
Teacher: you klas eight plus a week'wat is a force?..am like'staring in his face blankly not knowing the answer..then he goes"can you stop admiring my face en answer the quiz!

physics teacher:
"flow into the testube" badla ya "blow"......
kijana, nasema flow, can you flow into the testtube?

similar one: The physics teacher was called mr wilberforce luchiri. on asking a qn, name anykind of force, a student answered him "wilber"

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said our lecturer and erased the board

"A force is a puch or a pull....."en we were suppossed to repeat after him!o'wise we cud be sent far beyond further...

Yet another mwalimu...
I DONT CARE WHETHER YOU ARE THE SON OF LUANDA MAGERE OR SATAN. DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
OR ELSE, I WILL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU DIE!

** The deputy princi doing rounds during the evening preps when he enters the class***

"Where is the class monitor? Or he's not from this class.....@#$?"

How about this; the physics teacher
...when a ngold reef erectroscope is nengativery sharged, there will mbe a ndecreze in ndiverngence' translation 'When a goldleaf electroscope is negatively charged, there will be a decrease in divergence'!

The rugby coach...
....."you Tyrus, can you stop the bullchit and flow the mborr"

The dep on the eve of easter.
...."Tomorrow is the day that we remember the day Jesus was hanged"

hockey coach
.. "wewe rida(linda) y r u turning ryk a trella"

The duty -master
As I was roaming around the school compound, I saw two mboys sreepin twice.Now according to the skul commandments you should go get both ur father and your dad ....

a teacher making night prep rounds meet students kwa corridor.
..." u ala jasti lunning tuede flo adi u ala jasti abouti to do ur mokosi"....u r just running to and fro and u r just about to do ur mocks

The dep once again
.... "go and come with ua parents especially ua father n mother"...

History Teacher:
You Wafura(wafula)!! You ala nthe angriest (ugliest) mboy in this crass(class)!!
Wafuch: Most honoured mwalimu!

English teacher during a Lit class. Set book ni "The Concubine"
Mwalimu: When Ekuweme saw nthe cobla (cobra)...
Student: hehehehehe
Mwalimu: Wat is long(wrong) with you? When you see a cobla you think its a raughing(laughing) matter? Get out of this crass!

Swahili teacher during a ngeli lesson:
Mwalimu: " Wingi wa shula ni fyula!!" (wingi wa chura ni vyura). Haya Corrins (collins) tuambie wingi wa kilomboto (kiroboto) ni?
Collins: Filomboto(viroboto)!! (The class bursts out laughing)
Mwalimu: Piga magoti kijana! Filomboto ndio nini? Umesahaui ngeri (ngeli)? Ngeri hiyo darasa ni nini?... ki-fi (ki-vi), sio ki-fi

Sports Master to students just about to start a football game:
" OK mboys. Set nthe mboro(ball) rorring(rolling)!!"

"i want us erect the prefects!".......our classs teacher in 1992
(we were) monos n we decided to erect the actin prefect.....poor boy i still laugh when i meet with him)

deputy, short fussy woman in glasses talking to a parade full of girls on closing day.
..Ok kals, ko homu and enjoy your holitay pati plisi kamu paki in one pisi. (ok girls, go home and enjoy your holiday and please come back in one peice) As in dont get pregnant.

if u went to a scool in central u must hav heard this
'kijana ur ahair is very chaggy, u luk like a chokolaaaaaaaaa"
'instead of chitudying some of u were washing ......terevishon"

A female colleague had a big baby bump....n she had this weired wig. being the class T she came for roll call, stood at the door.one of the gals whispered KAJAIRO...n they started laughin but she never heard the name. So she reacted to their laughter.
....Mnaniangalia aje kaa amabaye ni cinema ya redycrus..........i just cracked.....i cudnt teach.....

the games teacher-he was from nyeri
"utamu wa uchindi ni kucherehekea"

The bio teacher ati...
andi the bladi(blood) filisi(fills) the feinisi (veins) tili the penisi(penis) bekamuzi fery egzited and standizi stifu (stands stiff)LOL! the best so far!!!!!

The AgricultureTeacher kwa assembly one morning:-
"In the weekend, some poys went to the school farm, Stole alot of maize and left the papers standing"

form 1 biology class about classification.
a kaleo techer says
"taniel can u clasifiy a tok"
(daniel can u classify a dog)

Procrastinator's Creed

2008-02-09T13:33:00.001+03:00

* 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

* 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

* 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

* 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

* 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

* 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

* 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

* 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

* 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

* 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

* 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

* 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

* 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

* 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

How to make a woman happy

2006-08-07T14:12:00.000+03:00

It's not difficult to make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a good mother
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Bring beer
2. Hand over the remote.
3. no foreplay
4. more sex!

FACTS ABOUT JACK BAUER

2006-08-02T15:48:00.000+03:00

1. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

5. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

8. Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

9. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

10. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

11. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

12. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

13. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

15. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

16. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

17. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

18. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

19. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

20. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

22. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

24. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

25. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

26. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

27. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "> jack bauer"

28. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

29. Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

30. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

31. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

32 Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

33. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

34. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

35. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

36. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

37. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

38. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

39. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

40. It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

41. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

43. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

44. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once

2006-07-21T12:14:00.000+03:00

tongue twisters: .READ OUT ALOUD..

2006-06-20T09:03:00.000+03:00

1. PARALLELOGRAM

2. MALARIOLOGY

3. THE RED LORRY RARELY LEAVES LIMURU ROAD

4. TRULY RURAL, TRULY RURAL, TRULY RURAL,....

5. HOW CAN A CLAM CRAM I! N A CLEAN CREAM CAN?

6. RED REAL REAR WHEELS

7. ON A LAZY LASER RAISER LIES A LASER RAY ERASER

8. REAL ROCK WALL, REAL ROCK WALL, REAL ROCK WALL

9. A BLACK BLOKE'S BACK BRAKE-BLOCK BROKE

10. REALLY LEERY, RARELY LARRY

11. A LUMP OF RED LEAD, A RED LEAD LUMP

12. YELLOW LORRY, BLUE LORRY

13. LITERALLY LITERARY

And lastly, 000011783 people have needed surgical tongue procedures
since
June 17, 1998.So it's not too late!

smoking a joint

2006-06-13T07:45:00.000+03:00

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard(njagathi) walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaak dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

discovery....

2006-06-09T11:09:00.000+03:00

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year,
Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and

came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone

network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,

American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have

concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital

telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Kenyan newspapers reported the

following:

"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Kenyan scientists have found

absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their

ancestors were already using wireless technology .

i bet you didnt know that.......

2006-06-05T09:37:00.000+03:00

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects

the

eyeball to the anus?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you do not believe it, Pull a hair from your ass, and see if it

doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

shower modes...............

2006-05-23T11:42:00.000+03:00

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

am a MAN!

2006-05-18T09:08:00.000+03:00

I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won't drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won't throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be the boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
I won't go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.

I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way, I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.

I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.

deal with it!!!

marital ads........

2006-05-10T08:34:00.000+03:00

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "JAVA COFFEE HOUSE"
Mother got the newspaper and checked the Java Coffee House advertisement, and it says:
"Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "NAKURU MATTRESSES" So, the Mother looks at the Nakumatt ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message:
"KENYA AIRWAYS"
And mother looks into the Kenya Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK , BOTH WAYS."

CONSENT FORM SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

2006-05-06T14:11:00.000+03:00

THIS MIGHT COME IN HANDY NOW THAT THE NJOKI BILL (ON SEXUAL OFFENCES)WILL SOON BECOME LAW!!!

This certifies that, I, ____________________________ the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the
"screwee") about to enjoy sexual intercourse with _________________________ (hereafter referred to as
the "screwer").

I am above the lawful age of consent. I am in my right mind and not under the influence of any narcotic
or alcoholic substances.

The aforementioned screwer need not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.
Furthermore I, the screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoever, and do not expect or wish to marry him. I
do not know if he is married or not, and I do not care. I am neither asleep nor drunk, I'm entering
this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does.

In the event whereby I receive the full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance the capacity and
willingness to further participation as soon as time permits. In addition, I will not act as a witness
against him nor will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant, contract a sexual disease or feel
that he is violating any legislation, moral, legal or otherwise.

Signed naked before jumping into bed on this _________ day of the______________Month in the year 2004.

Signature of screwee: ________________________

Date of birth: ________________________

Date of conduct: ________________________

job review...

2006-05-05T18:29:00.000+03:00

I, the pen!s, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

++++++++++++++

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of
time.
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often
visit other areas.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety
regulations, such has wearing the correct protective
clothing.
You'll retire before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you
have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying
2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely
Management

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.

2006-05-04T11:44:00.000+03:00

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Christian One Liners

2006-05-03T08:24:00.000+03:00

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members who
are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to..........discourage him.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

How Jvc men propose......

2006-05-01T08:55:00.000+03:00

I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since

Tuesday, the 29th of April 2006.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the

27th of April 2006 at 15h00 hours,

I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and

Depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon

Completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship

Training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from

Lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be

shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might

take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded

enough, to be taken care of on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,

failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and

I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could

forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this

offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

to wives, girlfriends, mistresses etc...take note

2006-04-27T11:49:00.000+03:00

Dear All,
re: 2006 WORLD CUP

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to
Wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women
of this world)

These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year...

List Of Rules.
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of
the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If
you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any
attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to
take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or
pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am
and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if
the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that require my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this
list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World

yawaaah!!!! JVC (jaluo very complicated)

2006-04-26T08:14:00.000+03:00

Surely jengs never seize to amuse . Read on............ real hilarious.

You know the hawkers at the old bus stop? It's been a good 7 years since I went to Kisumu. Anyway... one time I got into a bus just to get the feel. The last time I used public transportation dates back to High School...... so I parked my car at Arina, took a taxi to the bustop to mingle with the people. I was behaving like a tourist and the people found me odd. I appreciated small things like the weather, scenery, rech ngege mochiel etc....

I got to the bus stop at 2PM. I got into a bus madhi Ugenya. Then the hawker walked in with various goods for sale (bidhaa). He had some "Porocaine" tablets that cured everything...! He was hanging some panties, kamis, shuka, padlocks etc around his shoulder. On his left arm, he had bras, thongs, batteries and a few capsules. If you asked him the price of an item, he would give you a figure totally outrageous... then he gave you a chance to talk him down. Kshs. 60 could be talked down to Ksh. 5!! Only newbies were bought at the original price.

He walked along the aisle in the bus as he pushed his bidhaa. He then got to a seat where a father and teenage daughter were seated. He had the bra in his right arm.."Askari ya matiti". He shouted... meaning bra! I laughed mpaka I was nearly thrown out of the bus! The father did not flinch or buy the bra for his daughter.

The hawker was not giving up without a fight. He then produced some panties which were the precursors to modern day thongs. He dangled a few silky thongs in front of the young lady ... "kifund chiemo", he shouted... meaning the "padlock to the eatery" I laughed so loud mpaka I was thrown out.

Fellas, Kisumu hawkers aren't funnier until you get to Homa-Bay Asego Kanyada Bustand. The world of Hawkers/Manambas meet here I guess Michuki interefered with this rich culture trying to organize it. Everytime I get home sick, I think of matatu cluture! It is a nostalgia and a half.

Matatus enroute, Migori, Kisii, Mbita, Kendu-bay, Oyugis, Sori-Karungu some are built like space ship or bullet train. They are kicking and billowing like bulls ready to fight for passengers. They are all colors of paint or anything the painter got his hands on.

Back then, Homa-Bay was the busiest place in the world.... if you just got there you would think the Matatu leaving for Mbita almost left you, as soon as you get off the Bus or Nissan from Nairobi... a beaten piece of crap pulls right in front of that Bus, it is breathing and sneezing fire like a dragon ready to go! Manamba shouting and yelling... Mbita, Mbita, Mbita, Mbita... and the idiot behind the wheels is screeching the brakes.. and hooting.. he is not even the driver... the driver is still in Shauri Yako swallowing Achwaka... Chang'aa or is it kumi kumi?

You thought it is full, the only space left was for one person and you are like yeah, I just wanna go home, sitaki kuranda randa hapa Hom-bay. And you are like ngoooooja .. mtu ya Mbita..

The moment you say that, you are already bundled into this crap stinking harufu ya samaki.. you are thrown in there on the lap of some mamas munching mandaoz, some peeling machunguas, wazee wana rarwa mahindi choma or aboka ..... and others are talking across the carriage as if they are a mile away from each other about the rain and planting.

You are squeezing your neck out of the window to look up the roof to check if your bags are on. Your (nike bag) is tucked under the dripping fish basket (osera mar mbuta)..... squashed beyond recognition..... a big puddle of mbuta juice drops on your face sending your head back into the mathree your face folded like a wall Gecko.

A while ago you though that thing is leaving..... only one passenger was needed, and now this thingy starts going round and round in circles. A while back you were fooled the people who are inside are real passengers but now you are finding out they are a bunch of bustand idlers.

Two hours later you are still in this debe and it is now hot like hell, you want to get out....... that is the time the hawker shows up with all kinds of bidhaa. I saw this guy who would put Victoria secret to shame... This jamaa is selling all kinds of thongs and G-strings, bras and tampons...needles, sweets, hankies, safety pins, house of manji, kiberitis, warm sodas and cakes.. he's got some undies thicker than diapers too..... he is dangling them on the faces of some mamas .....ati antie.... Nunua hii 'kufuli ya chakula cha wazee.'

He has a rack on his shoulder and everything is hanging on it... he looked at me and pulled out a bottle of capsules... and said eh waziri, nunua hii dawa ya malaria ya mapenzi.... I was still looking at him.... Is he calling me waziri, he was like EH!.... He pulled out a syringe and purukeni... una taka hii..... ama unataka soksi ya rungu (male condoms). He was like O.K wewe sio sleki eh.. haya basi cheki hii 'shika ni tandike' (tin lamp)... I asked him mbona waniita waziri? Akasema.... Waziri wa nyege kilimo ya kitandani anahitaji hizi bidhaa...

I wasn't even talking to him and there goes the guy sticking a Ragol (comb) thro' my hair and walks away like he is giving it for free...turned around to a mama who had a baby and he opened a Fanta and gave it to the little man... he gave him a big whole piece of cake with it... the kid was smiling and this mama is like sija kwambia umpatie mtoto wangu keki... and the jamaa is like anti wacha mtoi amange keki...

Another, mama asked him what are those cakes made of? Jamaaa is like 'cake is made of chak, tong' and sukari and the milimiliness of it causes yieng'o....."

He turned around to some chics and gave them lady gay and Vaseline..... then he says "hii ya kukufanya mwili yako nyororo badala ya kutembea na pien nge'ch (instead of alligator) then he scratched the back of this Githee. He gave a mzee him a pack of sportsman.. mzee is like bibi yangu hataki nivute sigara... and the jamaa was like hiyo ni kwa sababu wewe na wekanga spotmandi pahali dhako na weka rexonde............

AND THE CAUSE IS...........

2006-04-25T08:49:00.000+03:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky &
cham. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the
Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

anger management at its best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-21T14:22:00.000+03:00

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an a###hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a###hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a###hole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a###hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a###hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a###hole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a###hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a###hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a###holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A###hole #1.
"Hello."

"You're an a###hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A###hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a###hole," and hung up. Then I called A###hole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a###hole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick you're a###," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a###hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a###holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

everyday laws..

2006-04-21T06:29:00.000+03:00

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a T- jam, the next morning you will have a T jam.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HAVING SEX IN KIKUYU IS CALLED:

2006-04-19T07:46:00.000+03:00

1. GWIKANA
2. GUTHICANA
3. GUTHEGETHANA
3. KURIANA
4. GUTAMURANA
5. KUNEEWO INDO
6. GUTAMURA INDO
7. KURIA MIRIGO
8. Kuhurana mwaki
9. Guchina Ngai
10. Gwika Waganu
11. Kuria muNDu
12. KUHEO KINDU
13. GUTHIRERIA KAHARI
14. KUGWATA MWANA
15. KUNEO NDURUME
16. GUKARIA NGURUMO
17. KUHIHINYA WIRA
18. GUKAMURA KINYAA
19. KUNG'ARIA KIANDA
20. KWIHURA MBIRO
21. GUTHIMA WUIGO (WETNESS) KANA NO UGE
22. GUTATERIA MIRIGO, OR LET SAY
23. KUNG'ETIA MAGANJO
24. GUTHANDURANA
25. KUONA KAWAMA NDUMAINE
26. KUIGANANIA MIKONYO!!!!.
27. GUKUNIKA MBUTHU
28. GUTHINGA MWATUKA
29. KUNA KUGURU
30. GUTENDERIA IGONGONA
31. KUHIMBITA NGOGOYO KANA MONI
32. GUTHARIA KWENE
33. GUTURUMA RUHONGE
34. KWIGAGURA IKAI
35. KUHAMBATAA IROMO
36. KUNORA THIAKA
37. KWENJERA NGWACI/GIKWA
38. GUKUUWO NI MWATI KANA HARIKA
39. GUKOMA NAKE
40. GUTHIMA/GUTHUKIA(WEIGH) URITO
41. KUHURA KIMANDI
42. KWANURA MBIRORI
43. KUINIRIA NGURUMO YENE
44. KUHANGIRA NDARI
45. KUHUTIA GAKAI
46. GUTHANDURA
47. KUHURA MUTHANJU
48. SHUMA IRARE NDANI

Is this true?...................

Top 34 Things You Don't Want To Find In Your Girlfriend's Room

2006-04-18T10:26:00.000+03:00

1.A "Sex Change For Dummies" Book.
2.A brown stained bath tub
3.A brutalliy severed penis
4.a notebook saying ' I luv Joe' over and over...and your name's Zach
5.a positive pregnancy test...and you've never slept together
6.a shirt saying firestone highschool class of ' 09'...you're 23
7.The bodies of her last three boyfriends
8.her family tree...with your name in it
9.a letter to her friend describing how she's gonna kill you
10.Her husband
11.Her husband holding a shotgun waiting for you
12.a corpse
13.A new boyfriend
14.another guy
15.Her ID that shows that she's 14
16.The book "Everything you wanted to know about your upcoming sex change"
17.your boyfriend
18.Naked pictures of her father.
19.Your wife.
20.brouchures of a sex change-clinic
21.emails from her 'other boyfriends'
22.her brother
23.Her brother's underwear
24.Her ex, chained inside the closet.
25.HER girlfriend's socks.
26her pet gimp
27.The mummufied corpses of her previous three boyfriends
28.Two cases of Prozac and a four foot stack of bridal magazines
29.used/ reused condoms
30.your brother
31.your missing mom handcuffed naked to the bed
32.A Time Clock with 14 active cards
33.a woman
34.your girlfriend

FATHER & SON......

2006-04-13T08:35:00.000+03:00

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why can women not have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class?
Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big willy's ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

Kubaff !

on the count of three....

2006-04-12T09:08:00.000+03:00

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple". A
local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when
my wife's horse stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once'.
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the
third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot
the horse dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse;
while I was shouting,
she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

And we lived happily ever after."

Are you a prisoner...serving a life-time sentence?

2006-04-11T07:27:00.000+03:00

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simple, we will call your private place 'the prison' and my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, the bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner has escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles "Then all we have to do is re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards he lays on his back totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, sorry to bother you, but the prisoner is out again."

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

broken eggs

2006-04-10T14:03:00.000+03:00

One day there was a guy who was driving to a nearby town. He was in a hurry, so he took a back road to get there faster, when all of a sudden his car broke down. A nearby farmer saw him stranded so he invited him to stay the night. He said, "The only bed I have that you can sleep in is with my daughter, but if I catch you fooling around
with her I'll shoot you". "To make sure that you don't I'm going to put some eggs between both of you and if they are broken in the morning then you are going to die".

So the guy agreed. In the middle of the night the girl wanted to get it on so they did. In the middle of the skirmish they broke all of the eggs. The guy didn't want to get shot so he cleaned up the mess and glued the egg shells back together.

In the morning the farmer came into his daughter's room and found that
all of the eggs were still intact. The farmer was so happy that he invited the guy to have breakfast with him. So he gathered up all of the eggs and took them to the kitchen. He cracked the first one open and nothing was inside it. He cracked the second one and still nothing and so on.

When he found out that all of them had nothing in them he grabbed his
shotgun and ran outside. He opened the chicken shed door and yelled
out "ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAS BEEN USING CONDOMS?!?"

THE MIND OF A (WO)MAN

2006-04-06T15:47:00.000+03:00

Let's say a guy named Mwangi is attracted to a woman
named Njambi. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts; they have a

pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and

again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither

one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to

Njambi, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, "Do you

realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly

six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Njambi, it seems like a very

loud silence. She thinks to herself, "Ngai! I wonder if it bothers him

that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our

relationship;maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of

obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."

And Mwangi is thinking, "Ngoma! Six months!"

And Njambi is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of

relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so

I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going

the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going?

Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of

intimacy?Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a

lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

And Mwangi is thinking, "...so that means it was...let's

see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had

the car at the garage, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa!

I am way overdue for an oil change here."

And Njambi is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face.

Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our

relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has

sensed...even before I sensed it...that I was feeling some

reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to

say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."

And Mwangi is thinking, "And I'm going to have them look at the clutch

again. I don't care what those Nugus say, it's still not engaging right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.

What cold weather? It's 30 degrees outside, and this thing is shifting

like a chokora garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 12,000 bob!"

And Njambi is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be

angry, too. Ngai! I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I

can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

And Mwangi is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day

warranty. That's exactly what they're going to say, the nyangaus."

And Njambi is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a

knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right

next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person

I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A

person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

And Mwangi is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty I'll give them

a bloody warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."

"Mwangi," Njambi says aloud.

"What?" asks Mwangi, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes

beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Ngai, I

feel so..." She breaks down, sobbing.

"What?" says Mwangi.

"I'm such a fool," Njambi sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I

really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Mwangi.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Njambi says.

"No!" says Mwangi, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Njambi says.

There is a 15-second pause while Mwangi, thinking as fast as he can,

tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one

that he thinks might work.

"Yes," he says.

Njambi, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Mwangi, do you really

feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Mwangi.

"That way about time," says Njambi.

"Oh," says Mwangi. "Yes."

Njambi turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him

to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it

involves a horse.

At last she speaks. "Thank you, Mwangi," she says.

"Thank you," says Mwangi.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,

tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Mwangi gets back to

his place,he opens a bag of crisps, turns on the TV, and immediately

becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two

Czechoslovakians he never heard of ,as he awaits the big match of the day between MAN-U and ARSENAL. A tiny voice in the far recesses

of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in

the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever

understand what, and so he figuresit's better if he doesn't think

about it... (This is also Mwangi's policy regarding world hunger)

The next day Njambi will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of

them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and

everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every

word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering

every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this

subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any

definite conclusions,but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Mwangi, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend

of his and Njambi's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,

"Kamau, did Njambi ever own a horse??"

VISIT http://habarikenya.blogspot.com/

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

2006-04-05T09:50:00.000+03:00

1) NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones make her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?

Nipples are highly sensitive.They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station ina hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts

19) GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the markof a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina.Atleast buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down here, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie thereAnd don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first .And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words " to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no! no!

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on

37) TALKING DIRTY

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you

39) SQUASHING HER

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily she will turn

40) THANKING HER.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

2006-04-03T15:13:00.000+03:00

Fact About Marriages!!

The L Word:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: PHONE RINGING

Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself !!

jump ..jump!!!

2006-03-29T07:11:00.000+03:00

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine
a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the
genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the
deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is
to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for
the privilege of having
sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any
job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with
her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex
with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be!
in the room to witness the
act

(Makes one shudder at the thoug ht.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a
man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this
law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the
premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great
as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side
when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts!!!

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

stupid wives?

2006-03-28T08:13:00.000+03:00

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think
about it," he chuckles.

"Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her
bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her.

"She doesn't even have a penis!"

merlot

2006-03-27T08:41:00.000+03:00

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby
table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts
it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman,
saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine
and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own
back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I
have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a
woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE
BOTTLE BACK."

women....

2006-03-25T10:43:00.000+03:00

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Selfraising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I HOPE NO ONE WAS OFFENDED .........

Live well, Love much, Laugh often

an arab at the airport

2006-03-24T10:15:00.000+03:00

An arab was being interviewed at a US
checkpoint.
Your name pls.
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!!
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
and .... Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.

Teacher : What do you want to become?
Little Johnny : Doctor !!
Teacher : Why?
Little Johnny : Coz its the only profession where
u can tell a woman
to take off her clothes and ask her husband to
pay for it.

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful,
I'll rather have baby
than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust
the chair accordingly.

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die wanted her
tombstone to read
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened
it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

A kid asked the priest " Father, what is your
pastime?"
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied
"Nun, my child, nun"

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had
forgotten everything !!!

NO SPEEKA DA ENGLISH........

2006-03-23T10:39:00.000+03:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation. An american woman is sitting
across from them.
The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first,
but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the
following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about
our
sex
lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

Breaking the bad news . . . . . . . .

2006-03-22T07:56:00.000+03:00

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr Kipsang? This is Mutiso your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mutiso. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, Iam just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mutiso?"

"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir.
They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of
the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her.

Official Announcement:

2006-03-21T12:28:00.000+03:00

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a

jogoo to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's

political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next

generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of

security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."