CRAZY/FUNNY LINES BY TEACHERS/LECTURERS

I compiled this from facebook......remember my disclaimer???

FB-teachers.....
On finding a piece of paper....
PICK UP THE PAPER & FALL IN THE DUSTBIN!!!.....

Insulting a rowdy student
mbasket! ndon't mbe a square

on a certain hot afternoon

"open the windows or else we fornicate "

A certain dep
"Both of you three...meet me in my office" ..... our deputy HM
" can yu lie on the heavens of that table.... im giving 6 of the best!

"Hey you three boys, both of you, follow me in front!" na " Eeeeh wee kijana! Walk running! Can you walk running!"

The dep reading list of noisemakers
"listen to ur words"

Art teacher in primo
PUNGULU! ... Meaning hit the dirt and receive your caning.

Teacher..*Comes across 2 guys on the same bed*

U two boys. y are u sleeping twice?

One fine afternoon during double maths lesson..
Lesson is about Probability Vijana wame doze mbaya darasani. Mwalimu ni TP (you know those university students in training to be teachers) kutoka KU campo na ni mkambodia from Kilungu

Mwalimu: wat is the prombambirity that the mballs in nthe mbazket are red?
Student: aaa mwalimu hiyo ni ngumu
Mwalimu: ee kijana!! kwanza una nyoa nyoa mboxi kwa kichwa ehh?
Student: lakini mwalimu si box ni hair style?
Mwalimu: waaat? una zuza zuza nini? chiit!
Student: aaa mwalimu wacha...
Mwalimu: chatap!!

swahili teacher comes to class and patas that a number hadnt completed assignment n she says
...kasi yenu ni kweda bwenini(hostel),kukurakura,kurararara na kurarua guo hata kasi ya siada hamuwesi mukamarisa...

One day the bio teacher found a student laughing and shouted....
'Stop laughing like a toothless dogless'


Now this mwalimu was new n when he came to class he handed a student a paper to write his name and said ...
' write down ua name and father of your name (direct translation)

There's this day a teacher in primo came to class...found us makin noise.asked the prefect 4 the list o noicemakerz bt hakuwa ameandika..Teacher hakuamini....akamshow
''basi adika suspects''

Our HM always used to give weird remarks and people would boo at her, so she would take the whole morning slapping everyone on parade asking
' who titi mbu?' (who booooed at me)

One day @ senior teachers' office-
' Will you hang that calendar on the wall or else I'll hang my self'

first day in physics lab...
Teacher: you klas eight plus a week'wat is a force?..am like'staring in his face blankly not knowing the answer..then he goes"can you stop admiring my face en answer the quiz!

physics teacher:
"flow into the testube" badla ya "blow"......
kijana, nasema flow, can you flow into the testtube?

similar one: The physics teacher was called mr wilberforce luchiri. on asking a qn, name anykind of force, a student answered him "wilber"

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said our lecturer and erased the board

"A force is a puch or a pull....."en we were suppossed to repeat after him!o'wise we cud be sent far beyond further...

Yet another mwalimu...
I DONT CARE WHETHER YOU ARE THE SON OF LUANDA MAGERE OR SATAN. DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
OR ELSE, I WILL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU DIE!

** The deputy princi doing rounds during the evening preps when he enters the class***

"Where is the class monitor? Or he's not from this class.....@#$?"

How about this; the physics teacher
...when a ngold reef erectroscope is nengativery sharged, there will mbe a ndecreze in ndiverngence' translation 'When a goldleaf electroscope is negatively charged, there will be a decrease in divergence'!

The rugby coach...
....."you Tyrus, can you stop the bullchit and flow the mborr"

The dep on the eve of easter.
...."Tomorrow is the day that we remember the day Jesus was hanged"


hockey coach
.. "wewe rida(linda) y r u turning ryk a trella"


The duty -master
As I was roaming around the school compound, I saw two mboys sreepin twice.Now according to the skul commandments you should go get both ur father and your dad ....

a teacher making night prep rounds meet students kwa corridor.
..." u ala jasti lunning tuede flo adi u ala jasti abouti to do ur mokosi"....u r just running to and fro and u r just about to do ur mocks

The dep once again
.... "go and come with ua parents especially ua father n mother"...


History Teacher:
You Wafura(wafula)!! You ala nthe angriest (ugliest) mboy in this crass(class)!!
Wafuch: Most honoured mwalimu!

English teacher during a Lit class. Set book ni "The Concubine"
Mwalimu: When Ekuweme saw nthe cobla (cobra)...
Student: hehehehehe
Mwalimu: Wat is long(wrong) with you? When you see a cobla you think its a raughing(laughing) matter? Get out of this crass!

Swahili teacher during a ngeli lesson:
Mwalimu: " Wingi wa shula ni fyula!!" (wingi wa chura ni vyura). Haya Corrins (collins) tuambie wingi wa kilomboto (kiroboto) ni?
Collins: Filomboto(viroboto)!! (The class bursts out laughing)
Mwalimu: Piga magoti kijana! Filomboto ndio nini? Umesahaui ngeri (ngeli)? Ngeri hiyo darasa ni nini?... ki-fi (ki-vi), sio ki-fi


Sports Master to students just about to start a football game:
" OK mboys. Set nthe mboro(ball) rorring(rolling)!!"

"i want us erect the prefects!".......our classs teacher in 1992
(we were) monos n we decided to erect the actin prefect.....poor boy i still laugh when i meet with him)

deputy, short fussy woman in glasses talking to a parade full of girls on closing day.
..Ok kals, ko homu and enjoy your holitay pati plisi kamu paki in one pisi. (ok girls, go home and enjoy your holiday and please come back in one peice) As in dont get pregnant.


if u went to a scool in central u must hav heard this
'kijana ur ahair is very chaggy, u luk like a chokolaaaaaaaaa"
'instead of chitudying some of u were washing ......terevishon"


A female colleague had a big baby bump....n she had this weired wig. being the class T she came for roll call, stood at the door.one of the gals whispered KAJAIRO...n they started laughin but she never heard the name. So she reacted to their laughter.
....Mnaniangalia aje kaa amabaye ni cinema ya redycrus..........i just cracked.....i cudnt teach.....


the games teacher-he was from nyeri
"utamu wa uchindi ni kucherehekea"

The bio teacher ati...
andi the bladi(blood) filisi(fills) the feinisi (veins) tili the penisi(penis) bekamuzi fery egzited and standizi stifu (stands stiff)LOL! the best so far!!!!!

The AgricultureTeacher kwa assembly one morning:-
"In the weekend, some poys went to the school farm, Stole alot of maize and left the papers standing"


form 1 biology class about classification.
a kaleo techer says
"taniel can u clasifiy a tok"
(daniel can u classify a dog)