yawaaah!!!! JVC (jaluo very complicated)

Surely jengs never seize to amuse . Read on............ real hilarious.

You know the hawkers at the old bus stop? It's been a good 7 years since I went to Kisumu. Anyway... one time I got into a bus just to get the feel. The last time I used public transportation dates back to High School...... so I parked my car at Arina, took a taxi to the bustop to mingle with the people. I was behaving like a tourist and the people found me odd. I appreciated small things like the weather, scenery, rech ngege mochiel etc....

I got to the bus stop at 2PM. I got into a bus madhi Ugenya. Then the hawker walked in with various goods for sale (bidhaa). He had some "Porocaine" tablets that cured everything...! He was hanging some panties, kamis, shuka, padlocks etc around his shoulder. On his left arm, he had bras, thongs, batteries and a few capsules. If you asked him the price of an item, he would give you a figure totally outrageous... then he gave you a chance to talk him down. Kshs. 60 could be talked down to Ksh. 5!! Only newbies were bought at the original price.

He walked along the aisle in the bus as he pushed his bidhaa. He then got to a seat where a father and teenage daughter were seated. He had the bra in his right arm.."Askari ya matiti". He shouted... meaning bra! I laughed mpaka I was nearly thrown out of the bus! The father did not flinch or buy the bra for his daughter.

The hawker was not giving up without a fight. He then produced some panties which were the precursors to modern day thongs. He dangled a few silky thongs in front of the young lady ... "kifund chiemo", he shouted... meaning the "padlock to the eatery" I laughed so loud mpaka I was thrown out.

Fellas, Kisumu hawkers aren't funnier until you get to Homa-Bay Asego Kanyada Bustand. The world of Hawkers/Manambas meet here I guess Michuki interefered with this rich culture trying to organize it. Everytime I get home sick, I think of matatu cluture! It is a nostalgia and a half.

Matatus enroute, Migori, Kisii, Mbita, Kendu-bay, Oyugis, Sori-Karungu some are built like space ship or bullet train. They are kicking and billowing like bulls ready to fight for passengers. They are all colors of paint or anything the painter got his hands on.

Back then, Homa-Bay was the busiest place in the world.... if you just got there you would think the Matatu leaving for Mbita almost left you, as soon as you get off the Bus or Nissan from Nairobi... a beaten piece of crap pulls right in front of that Bus, it is breathing and sneezing fire like a dragon ready to go! Manamba shouting and yelling... Mbita, Mbita, Mbita, Mbita... and the idiot behind the wheels is screeching the brakes.. and hooting.. he is not even the driver... the driver is still in Shauri Yako swallowing Achwaka... Chang'aa or is it kumi kumi?

You thought it is full, the only space left was for one person and you are like yeah, I just wanna go home, sitaki kuranda randa hapa Hom-bay. And you are like ngoooooja .. mtu ya Mbita..

The moment you say that, you are already bundled into this crap stinking harufu ya samaki.. you are thrown in there on the lap of some mamas munching mandaoz, some peeling machunguas, wazee wana rarwa mahindi choma or aboka ..... and others are talking across the carriage as if they are a mile away from each other about the rain and planting.

You are squeezing your neck out of the window to look up the roof to check if your bags are on. Your (nike bag) is tucked under the dripping fish basket (osera mar mbuta)..... squashed beyond recognition..... a big puddle of mbuta juice drops on your face sending your head back into the mathree your face folded like a wall Gecko.

A while ago you though that thing is leaving..... only one passenger was needed, and now this thingy starts going round and round in circles. A while back you were fooled the people who are inside are real passengers but now you are finding out they are a bunch of bustand idlers.

Two hours later you are still in this debe and it is now hot like hell, you want to get out....... that is the time the hawker shows up with all kinds of bidhaa. I saw this guy who would put Victoria secret to shame... This jamaa is selling all kinds of thongs and G-strings, bras and tampons...needles, sweets, hankies, safety pins, house of manji, kiberitis, warm sodas and cakes.. he's got some undies thicker than diapers too..... he is dangling them on the faces of some mamas .....ati antie.... Nunua hii 'kufuli ya chakula cha wazee.'

He has a rack on his shoulder and everything is hanging on it... he looked at me and pulled out a bottle of capsules... and said eh waziri, nunua hii dawa ya malaria ya mapenzi.... I was still looking at him.... Is he calling me waziri, he was like EH!.... He pulled out a syringe and purukeni... una taka hii..... ama unataka soksi ya rungu (male condoms). He was like O.K wewe sio sleki eh.. haya basi cheki hii 'shika ni tandike' (tin lamp)... I asked him mbona waniita waziri? Akasema.... Waziri wa nyege kilimo ya kitandani anahitaji hizi bidhaa...

I wasn't even talking to him and there goes the guy sticking a Ragol (comb) thro' my hair and walks away like he is giving it for free...turned around to a mama who had a baby and he opened a Fanta and gave it to the little man... he gave him a big whole piece of cake with it... the kid was smiling and this mama is like sija kwambia umpatie mtoto wangu keki... and the jamaa is like anti wacha mtoi amange keki...

Another, mama asked him what are those cakes made of? Jamaaa is like 'cake is made of chak, tong' and sukari and the milimiliness of it causes yieng'o....."

He turned around to some chics and gave them lady gay and Vaseline..... then he says "hii ya kukufanya mwili yako nyororo badala ya kutembea na pien nge'ch (instead of alligator) then he scratched the back of this Githee. He gave a mzee him a pack of sportsman.. mzee is like bibi yangu hataki nivute sigara... and the jamaa was like hiyo ni kwa sababu wewe na wekanga spotmandi pahali dhako na weka rexonde............