Jokes , Trivia & Anecdotes...

yaaaaawn!!!!!! the silly pieces as forwarded to me. i claim no originality. so dont accuse me of plagiarism!!!

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Location: Westlands, Nairobi, Kenya

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Jaluo Very Complicated JVC Aii yawa !!

AN AVERAGE PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

JVC: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be
advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
JVC : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
JVC : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
JVC : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
JVC : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beginner's luck
JVC : Neophyte's serendipity.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
JVC : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small,
green, biophytic plant.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
JVC : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
JVC : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
JVC : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.


AN AVERAGE PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
JVC : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile


AN AVERAGE PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
JVC : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative maneuvers.

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Look before you leap
JVC : Surveillance should precede saltation.

AN AVERAGE PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
JVC : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.

AN AVERAGE PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
JVC : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

AN AVERAGE PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
JVC : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


there was this crazy teacher
he was booed during parade and his response was
"Form 3 maraya....Form 4 Makende!!!"
LOL!!...may he rest in peace.

games teacher from meru who used to coach hokey. we went to a tournament and lost and this guy was like
that oke viud was illy and mbamby

scientific names ... what you hear when they are pronounced in strong GEMA accents
Wuchereria bancrofti - wachilia blockofoti
Schistosoma mansonii - sitasoma masomo

One day kwa parade.....
' wangapi wenu wanaenda choo(show)

fm4 maths teacher sights a noisemaker..
"u brack boy stand up" a dark dude stands up."Nooh not u,u darker bracker!"

In form 2..
during english lit class- setbook ..julius ceaser
"Heafe hoo!! theii mandad thitha!!"
(heave ho! the've murdered ceaser!)

Chem teacher...
What es ndi ndi tii ? (what is DDT?)
Ndi ndi tii stands for ndaikroro-ndaifreno-traicroro-ithen!
(ddt stands for dichlorodiphenoltrichloroethane)

A Swa teacher critisizing one of her students
" Kiyana! Umeanthiliwa na lunga ya mama!"

Sasa mwalimu wa mathematics during a double maths lesson one afternoon and most students are dozing in class seriously. Topic ni calculus bana
Mwalimu(with a kao accent): The vomula is ndi hex ndi wai (DX DY)
(Some students nod. Kimani amepatikana akilala darasani)
Mwalimu ( with a kao accent): aya Gimani simama! What av I njust saind (said)?
Students (whispering in an effort to help Kim): Sema yes, sema yes wewe!!
Kimani: the answer is yes!! (class bursts out laughing)
Mwalimu: Schupind mboy! unafikilia kachuras(calculus) unasoma ukilala lala kwa ndalasa? Nget hout and ngo wait for me at nthe ndeputy's hoffice!

the chem teacher had drama with the letter "v".
one time he said fisical city.Naturally almost kila mtu put down.Physical city.Kube! he meant VISCOSITY.

The boarding master during assembly
If I found you chairing(sharing) your share(chair) i will beat you!

this chute history teacher....
'u vary u die,u dont vary u die,vy die(U worry u die,u dony worry u die,why worry)

this commerce teacher kwanza on thursdays aftee,
double lessons in a class of dozing studeez. He would just teach and then about kedo 10 mins b4 winding up the lesson he would just start his thing ati ....
...."let the sleeping ndongz lie cz nthe nday of nthe lornd iz kaming wheny men will be seperated from womeny and it will be a nday and a half where jhu(you) will be sitting 1m apart sweating it out alone.So class let the sleeping ndongz....... "and then he would leave.

A classteacher used to say,,,,,
'my boys today u r very smart and nobody can remove me there'

Had a kyuk games master explaining the cross country translation bana .
....toush the load and you go a paper to the frag post then beat the corner and crimb the hirr,,i'rr be nrrowry on your behind..

-high skul math teacher
IF u raughs at my ingrish i wirru raugh at ur mathematics
it is very surds

another lecturer said to me as i stand by the parking lot
" excuse me madam move over i fuck my car"

Primo somwhere in Nakkss.....
Msishhana kuja hapa!!!
Fura kama Rabooo!! (flex ur arms like rambo)
Miguu kama Nijaaa!! (and ur legs like aninja turtle)
(and he chunas u in ur thighs vibaya...when u make that "sssss noise" he goes
Kura miwa! kura miwa! kura miwa! kura miwa!!!

in primo, this kao games teacher once told some gal
"musyana, iyo pumbi ita kuappect"....meaning msichana iyo vumbi ita

Primo very young boarding sch
Teacher: Wewe wasiwasi kama kuku mgeni. Umerogwa na aliyekuroga amekufa. Watever that meant.
Pull up yu socks. The gal did pull up her socks literally . It meant yu need to put more eff into yu work. That was funny

Field trip to L. Nakuru, some game warden explaining....
The framigos feed on mblu-ngleen aunji in the rake

Then the formidable Lit teacher who showed her displeasure by telling you to
'Ngo bury your nose!' yaani put your head under your desk for the remainder of the class.

Ticho to student.
I cant fig aut if u r hangere, agere or angere
......................hungry,ugly or angry

When babanginda from nigeria used to be preso.
What is the name of nigerias 1st lady called.
Student fast track...Mwarimu mwarimu Mamanginda DUHHH!

The physics teacher : "A fullet was bired..."

Same teacher..anatha gal once came to klass late..found him akifunza then she knocked en was told to "enter" the gal went excuse herself why she was late bt even b4 she opened her mouth the teacher went...
"Umesherewa kwa nini?"
the gal said "am not feeling well"
the teacher... "Umeabiwa hapa ni hospitari.."ouch.
N/B angekupata kwa makosa.."kibia 8 gireen uabie wagoi akupatie kiboko yagu uniretee.."

in hi skool?
kijana shimama unadhanish hukush ni kwa nyanyakosh!infactch nenda ukarare pare mbere kisha unifwatesh uchapwesh vibokosh!
we used to call him gomosh

when found sleeping,this ticha used to say...
..u have become mutu ya KKK....kura,kurara na kweda shooo(choo)

Friday, March 07, 2008


I compiled this from facebook......remember my disclaimer???

On finding a piece of paper....

Insulting a rowdy student
mbasket! ndon't mbe a square

on a certain hot afternoon

"open the windows or else we fornicate "

A certain dep
"Both of you me in my office" ..... our deputy HM
" can yu lie on the heavens of that table.... im giving 6 of the best!

"Hey you three boys, both of you, follow me in front!" na " Eeeeh wee kijana! Walk running! Can you walk running!"

The dep reading list of noisemakers
"listen to ur words"

Art teacher in primo
PUNGULU! ... Meaning hit the dirt and receive your caning.

Teacher..*Comes across 2 guys on the same bed*

U two boys. y are u sleeping twice?

One fine afternoon during double maths lesson..
Lesson is about Probability Vijana wame doze mbaya darasani. Mwalimu ni TP (you know those university students in training to be teachers) kutoka KU campo na ni mkambodia from Kilungu

Mwalimu: wat is the prombambirity that the mballs in nthe mbazket are red?
Student: aaa mwalimu hiyo ni ngumu
Mwalimu: ee kijana!! kwanza una nyoa nyoa mboxi kwa kichwa ehh?
Student: lakini mwalimu si box ni hair style?
Mwalimu: waaat? una zuza zuza nini? chiit!
Student: aaa mwalimu wacha...
Mwalimu: chatap!!

swahili teacher comes to class and patas that a number hadnt completed assignment n she says
...kasi yenu ni kweda bwenini(hostel),kukurakura,kurararara na kurarua guo hata kasi ya siada hamuwesi mukamarisa...

One day the bio teacher found a student laughing and shouted....
'Stop laughing like a toothless dogless'

Now this mwalimu was new n when he came to class he handed a student a paper to write his name and said ...
' write down ua name and father of your name (direct translation)

There's this day a teacher in primo came to class...found us makin noise.asked the prefect 4 the list o noicemakerz bt hakuwa ameandika..Teacher hakuamini....akamshow
''basi adika suspects''

Our HM always used to give weird remarks and people would boo at her, so she would take the whole morning slapping everyone on parade asking
' who titi mbu?' (who booooed at me)

One day @ senior teachers' office-
' Will you hang that calendar on the wall or else I'll hang my self'

first day in physics lab...
Teacher: you klas eight plus a week'wat is a force? like'staring in his face blankly not knowing the answer..then he goes"can you stop admiring my face en answer the quiz!

physics teacher:
"flow into the testube" badla ya "blow"......
kijana, nasema flow, can you flow into the testtube?

similar one: The physics teacher was called mr wilberforce luchiri. on asking a qn, name anykind of force, a student answered him "wilber"

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said our lecturer and erased the board

"A force is a puch or a pull....."en we were suppossed to repeat after him!o'wise we cud be sent far beyond further...

Yet another mwalimu...

** The deputy princi doing rounds during the evening preps when he enters the class***

"Where is the class monitor? Or he's not from this class.....@#$?"

How about this; the physics teacher
...when a ngold reef erectroscope is nengativery sharged, there will mbe a ndecreze in ndiverngence' translation 'When a goldleaf electroscope is negatively charged, there will be a decrease in divergence'!

The rugby coach...
....."you Tyrus, can you stop the bullchit and flow the mborr"

The dep on the eve of easter.
...."Tomorrow is the day that we remember the day Jesus was hanged"

hockey coach
.. "wewe rida(linda) y r u turning ryk a trella"

The duty -master
As I was roaming around the school compound, I saw two mboys sreepin twice.Now according to the skul commandments you should go get both ur father and your dad ....

a teacher making night prep rounds meet students kwa corridor.
..." u ala jasti lunning tuede flo adi u ala jasti abouti to do ur mokosi"....u r just running to and fro and u r just about to do ur mocks

The dep once again
.... "go and come with ua parents especially ua father n mother"...

History Teacher:
You Wafura(wafula)!! You ala nthe angriest (ugliest) mboy in this crass(class)!!
Wafuch: Most honoured mwalimu!

English teacher during a Lit class. Set book ni "The Concubine"
Mwalimu: When Ekuweme saw nthe cobla (cobra)...
Student: hehehehehe
Mwalimu: Wat is long(wrong) with you? When you see a cobla you think its a raughing(laughing) matter? Get out of this crass!

Swahili teacher during a ngeli lesson:
Mwalimu: " Wingi wa shula ni fyula!!" (wingi wa chura ni vyura). Haya Corrins (collins) tuambie wingi wa kilomboto (kiroboto) ni?
Collins: Filomboto(viroboto)!! (The class bursts out laughing)
Mwalimu: Piga magoti kijana! Filomboto ndio nini? Umesahaui ngeri (ngeli)? Ngeri hiyo darasa ni nini?... ki-fi (ki-vi), sio ki-fi

Sports Master to students just about to start a football game:
" OK mboys. Set nthe mboro(ball) rorring(rolling)!!"

"i want us erect the prefects!".......our classs teacher in 1992
(we were) monos n we decided to erect the actin prefect.....poor boy i still laugh when i meet with him)

deputy, short fussy woman in glasses talking to a parade full of girls on closing day.
..Ok kals, ko homu and enjoy your holitay pati plisi kamu paki in one pisi. (ok girls, go home and enjoy your holiday and please come back in one peice) As in dont get pregnant.

if u went to a scool in central u must hav heard this
'kijana ur ahair is very chaggy, u luk like a chokolaaaaaaaaa"
'instead of chitudying some of u were washing ......terevishon"

A female colleague had a big baby bump....n she had this weired wig. being the class T she came for roll call, stood at the of the gals whispered KAJAIRO...n they started laughin but she never heard the name. So she reacted to their laughter.
....Mnaniangalia aje kaa amabaye ni cinema ya redycrus..........i just cracked.....i cudnt teach.....

the games teacher-he was from nyeri
"utamu wa uchindi ni kucherehekea"

The bio teacher ati...
andi the bladi(blood) filisi(fills) the feinisi (veins) tili the penisi(penis) bekamuzi fery egzited and standizi stifu (stands stiff)LOL! the best so far!!!!!

The AgricultureTeacher kwa assembly one morning:-
"In the weekend, some poys went to the school farm, Stole alot of maize and left the papers standing"

form 1 biology class about classification.
a kaleo techer says
"taniel can u clasifiy a tok"
(daniel can u classify a dog)