Jokes , Trivia & Anecdotes...

yaaaaawn!!!!!! the silly pieces as forwarded to me. i claim no originality. so dont accuse me of plagiarism!!!

My Photo
Name:
Location: Westlands, Nairobi, Kenya

nothing much

Thursday, April 27, 2006

to wives, girlfriends, mistresses etc...take note

Dear All,
re: 2006 WORLD CUP


Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to
Wives, girlfriends, fianc├ęs, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women
of this world)


These rules are to be communicated prior to the World
Cup in June/July this year...



List Of Rules.

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of
the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If
you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any
attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to
take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or
pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am
and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if
the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that require my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this
list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

yawaaah!!!! JVC (jaluo very complicated)



Surely jengs never seize to amuse . Read on............ real hilarious.

You know the hawkers at the old bus stop? It's been a good 7 years since I went to Kisumu. Anyway... one time I got into a bus just to get the feel. The last time I used public transportation dates back to High School...... so I parked my car at Arina, took a taxi to the bustop to mingle with the people. I was behaving like a tourist and the people found me odd. I appreciated small things like the weather, scenery, rech ngege mochiel etc....

I got to the bus stop at 2PM. I got into a bus madhi Ugenya. Then the hawker walked in with various goods for sale (bidhaa). He had some "Porocaine" tablets that cured everything...! He was hanging some panties, kamis, shuka, padlocks etc around his shoulder. On his left arm, he had bras, thongs, batteries and a few capsules. If you asked him the price of an item, he would give you a figure totally outrageous... then he gave you a chance to talk him down. Kshs. 60 could be talked down to Ksh. 5!! Only newbies were bought at the original price.

He walked along the aisle in the bus as he pushed his bidhaa. He then got to a seat where a father and teenage daughter were seated. He had the bra in his right arm.."Askari ya matiti". He shouted... meaning bra! I laughed mpaka I was nearly thrown out of the bus! The father did not flinch or buy the bra for his daughter.

The hawker was not giving up without a fight. He then produced some panties which were the precursors to modern day thongs. He dangled a few silky thongs in front of the young lady ... "kifund chiemo", he shouted... meaning the "padlock to the eatery" I laughed so loud mpaka I was thrown out.

Fellas, Kisumu hawkers aren't funnier until you get to Homa-Bay Asego Kanyada Bustand. The world of Hawkers/Manambas meet here I guess Michuki interefered with this rich culture trying to organize it. Everytime I get home sick, I think of matatu cluture! It is a nostalgia and a half.

Matatus enroute, Migori, Kisii, Mbita, Kendu-bay, Oyugis, Sori-Karungu some are built like space ship or bullet train. They are kicking and billowing like bulls ready to fight for passengers. They are all colors of paint or anything the painter got his hands on.

Back then, Homa-Bay was the busiest place in the world.... if you just got there you would think the Matatu leaving for Mbita almost left you, as soon as you get off the Bus or Nissan from Nairobi... a beaten piece of crap pulls right in front of that Bus, it is breathing and sneezing fire like a dragon ready to go! Manamba shouting and yelling... Mbita, Mbita, Mbita, Mbita... and the idiot behind the wheels is screeching the brakes.. and hooting.. he is not even the driver... the driver is still in Shauri Yako swallowing Achwaka... Chang'aa or is it kumi kumi?

You thought it is full, the only space left was for one person and you are like yeah, I just wanna go home, sitaki kuranda randa hapa Hom-bay. And you are like ngoooooja .. mtu ya Mbita..

The moment you say that, you are already bundled into this crap stinking harufu ya samaki.. you are thrown in there on the lap of some mamas munching mandaoz, some peeling machunguas, wazee wana rarwa mahindi choma or aboka ..... and others are talking across the carriage as if they are a mile away from each other about the rain and planting.

You are squeezing your neck out of the window to look up the roof to check if your bags are on. Your (nike bag) is tucked under the dripping fish basket (osera mar mbuta)..... squashed beyond recognition..... a big puddle of mbuta juice drops on your face sending your head back into the mathree your face folded like a wall Gecko.

A while ago you though that thing is leaving..... only one passenger was needed, and now this thingy starts going round and round in circles. A while back you were fooled the people who are inside are real passengers but now you are finding out they are a bunch of bustand idlers.

Two hours later you are still in this debe and it is now hot like hell, you want to get out....... that is the time the hawker shows up with all kinds of bidhaa. I saw this guy who would put Victoria secret to shame... This jamaa is selling all kinds of thongs and G-strings, bras and tampons...needles, sweets, hankies, safety pins, house of manji, kiberitis, warm sodas and cakes.. he's got some undies thicker than diapers too..... he is dangling them on the faces of some mamas .....ati antie.... Nunua hii 'kufuli ya chakula cha wazee.'

He has a rack on his shoulder and everything is hanging on it... he looked at me and pulled out a bottle of capsules... and said eh waziri, nunua hii dawa ya malaria ya mapenzi.... I was still looking at him.... Is he calling me waziri, he was like EH!.... He pulled out a syringe and purukeni... una taka hii..... ama unataka soksi ya rungu (male condoms). He was like O.K wewe sio sleki eh.. haya basi cheki hii 'shika ni tandike' (tin lamp)... I asked him mbona waniita waziri? Akasema.... Waziri wa nyege kilimo ya kitandani anahitaji hizi bidhaa...

I wasn't even talking to him and there goes the guy sticking a Ragol (comb) thro' my hair and walks away like he is giving it for free...turned around to a mama who had a baby and he opened a Fanta and gave it to the little man... he gave him a big whole piece of cake with it... the kid was smiling and this mama is like sija kwambia umpatie mtoto wangu keki... and the jamaa is like anti wacha mtoi amange keki...

Another, mama asked him what are those cakes made of? Jamaaa is like 'cake is made of chak, tong' and sukari and the milimiliness of it causes yieng'o....."

He turned around to some chics and gave them lady gay and Vaseline..... then he says "hii ya kukufanya mwili yako nyororo badala ya kutembea na pien nge'ch (instead of alligator) then he scratched the back of this Githee. He gave a mzee him a pack of sportsman.. mzee is like bibi yangu hataki nivute sigara... and the jamaa was like hiyo ni kwa sababu wewe na wekanga spotmandi pahali dhako na weka rexonde............

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

AND THE CAUSE IS...........

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell
them what has happened.


"First body: a Mkamba, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile,


"Second body: "a Luo, 25, won a hundred thousand shillings in the
sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky &
cham. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."


The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the pathologist, "this is the most unusual one.
Harvester Khayega, Luhyia from Funyula, 30, struck by
lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the
Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Friday, April 21, 2006

anger management at its best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an a###hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a###hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a###hole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a###hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a###hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a###hole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a###hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a###hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a###holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A###hole #1.
"Hello."

"You're an a###hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A###hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a###hole," and hung up. Then I called A###hole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a###hole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick you're a###," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a###hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a###holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

everyday laws..

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a T- jam, the next morning you will have a T jam.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

HAVING SEX IN KIKUYU IS CALLED:



1. GWIKANA
2. GUTHICANA
3. GUTHEGETHANA
3. KURIANA
4. GUTAMURANA
5. KUNEEWO INDO
6. GUTAMURA INDO
7. KURIA MIRIGO
8. Kuhurana mwaki
9. Guchina Ngai
10. Gwika Waganu
11. Kuria muNDu
12. KUHEO KINDU
13. GUTHIRERIA KAHARI
14. KUGWATA MWANA
15. KUNEO NDURUME
16. GUKARIA NGURUMO
17. KUHIHINYA WIRA
18. GUKAMURA KINYAA
19. KUNG'ARIA KIANDA
20. KWIHURA MBIRO
21. GUTHIMA WUIGO (WETNESS) KANA NO UGE
22. GUTATERIA MIRIGO, OR LET SAY
23. KUNG'ETIA MAGANJO
24. GUTHANDURANA
25. KUONA KAWAMA NDUMAINE
26. KUIGANANIA MIKONYO!!!!.
27. GUKUNIKA MBUTHU
28. GUTHINGA MWATUKA
29. KUNA KUGURU
30. GUTENDERIA IGONGONA
31. KUHIMBITA NGOGOYO KANA MONI
32. GUTHARIA KWENE
33. GUTURUMA RUHONGE
34. KWIGAGURA IKAI
35. KUHAMBATAA IROMO
36. KUNORA THIAKA
37. KWENJERA NGWACI/GIKWA
38. GUKUUWO NI MWATI KANA HARIKA
39. GUKOMA NAKE
40. GUTHIMA/GUTHUKIA(WEIGH) URITO
41. KUHURA KIMANDI
42. KWANURA MBIRORI
43. KUINIRIA NGURUMO YENE
44. KUHANGIRA NDARI
45. KUHUTIA GAKAI
46. GUTHANDURA
47. KUHURA MUTHANJU
48. SHUMA IRARE NDANI

Is this true?...................

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Top 34 Things You Don't Want To Find In Your Girlfriend's Room

1.A "Sex Change For Dummies" Book.
2.A brown stained bath tub
3.A brutalliy severed penis
4.a notebook saying ' I luv Joe' over and over...and your name's Zach
5.a positive pregnancy test...and you've never slept together
6.a shirt saying firestone highschool class of ' 09'...you're 23
7.The bodies of her last three boyfriends
8.her family tree...with your name in it
9.a letter to her friend describing how she's gonna kill you
10.Her husband
11.Her husband holding a shotgun waiting for you
12.a corpse
13.A new boyfriend
14.another guy
15.Her ID that shows that she's 14
16.The book "Everything you wanted to know about your upcoming sex change"
17.your boyfriend
18.Naked pictures of her father.
19.Your wife.
20.brouchures of a sex change-clinic
21.emails from her 'other boyfriends'
22.her brother
23.Her brother's underwear
24.Her ex, chained inside the closet.
25.HER girlfriend's socks.
26her pet gimp
27.The mummufied corpses of her previous three boyfriends
28.Two cases of Prozac and a four foot stack of bridal magazines
29.used/ reused condoms
30.your brother
31.your missing mom handcuffed naked to the bed
32.A Time Clock with 14 active cards
33.a woman
34.your girlfriend

Thursday, April 13, 2006

FATHER & SON......

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why can women not have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class?
Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big willy's ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

Kubaff !

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

on the count of three....

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple". A
local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when
my wife's horse stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once'.
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the
third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot
the horse dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse;
while I was shouting,
she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

And we lived happily ever after."

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Are you a prisoner...serving a life-time sentence?

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simple, we will call your private place 'the prison' and my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, the bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner has escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles "Then all we have to do is re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards he lays on his back totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, sorry to bother you, but the prisoner is out again."

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

Monday, April 10, 2006

broken eggs





One day there was a guy who was driving to a nearby town. He was in a hurry, so he took a back road to get there faster, when all of a sudden his car broke down. A nearby farmer saw him stranded so he invited him to stay the night. He said, "The only bed I have that you can sleep in is with my daughter, but if I catch you fooling around
with her I'll shoot you". "To make sure that you don't I'm going to put some eggs between both of you and if they are broken in the morning then you are going to die".


So the guy agreed. In the middle of the night the girl wanted to get it on so they did. In the middle of the skirmish they broke all of the eggs. The guy didn't want to get shot so he cleaned up the mess and glued the egg shells back together.

In the morning the farmer came into his daughter's room and found that
all of the eggs were still intact. The farmer was so happy that he invited the guy to have breakfast with him. So he gathered up all of the eggs and took them to the kitchen. He cracked the first one open and nothing was inside it. He cracked the second one and still nothing and so on.


When he found out that all of them had nothing in them he grabbed his
shotgun and ran outside. He opened the chicken shed door and yelled
out "ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAS BEEN USING CONDOMS?!?"

Thursday, April 06, 2006

THE MIND OF A (WO)MAN

Let's say a guy named Mwangi is attracted to a woman
named Njambi. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts; they have a

pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and

again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither

one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to

Njambi, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, "Do you

realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly

six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Njambi, it seems like a very

loud silence. She thinks to herself, "Ngai! I wonder if it bothers him

that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our

relationship;maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of

obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."

And Mwangi is thinking, "Ngoma! Six months!"

And Njambi is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of

relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so

I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going

the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going?

Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of

intimacy?Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a

lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

And Mwangi is thinking, "...so that means it was...let's

see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had

the car at the garage, which means...let me check the odometer...Whoa!

I am way overdue for an oil change here."

And Njambi is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face.

Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our

relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has

sensed...even before I sensed it...that I was feeling some

reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to

say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."

And Mwangi is thinking, "And I'm going to have them look at the clutch

again. I don't care what those Nugus say, it's still not engaging right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.

What cold weather? It's 30 degrees outside, and this thing is shifting

like a chokora garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 12,000 bob!"

And Njambi is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be

angry, too. Ngai! I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I

can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

And Mwangi is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day

warranty. That's exactly what they're going to say, the nyangaus."

And Njambi is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a

knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right

next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person

I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A

person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

And Mwangi is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty I'll give them

a bloody warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."

"Mwangi," Njambi says aloud.

"What?" asks Mwangi, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes

beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Ngai, I

feel so..." She breaks down, sobbing.

"What?" says Mwangi.

"I'm such a fool," Njambi sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I

really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Mwangi.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Njambi says.

"No!" says Mwangi, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Njambi says.

There is a 15-second pause while Mwangi, thinking as fast as he can,

tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one

that he thinks might work.

"Yes," he says.

Njambi, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Mwangi, do you really

feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Mwangi.

"That way about time," says Njambi.

"Oh," says Mwangi. "Yes."

Njambi turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him

to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it

involves a horse.

At last she speaks. "Thank you, Mwangi," she says.

"Thank you," says Mwangi.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,

tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Mwangi gets back to

his place,he opens a bag of crisps, turns on the TV, and immediately

becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two

Czechoslovakians he never heard of ,as he awaits the big match of the day between MAN-U and ARSENAL. A tiny voice in the far recesses

of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in

the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever

understand what, and so he figuresit's better if he doesn't think

about it... (This is also Mwangi's policy regarding world hunger)

The next day Njambi will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of

them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and

everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every

word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering

every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this

subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any

definite conclusions,but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Mwangi, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend

of his and Njambi's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,

"Kamau, did Njambi ever own a horse??"


VISIT http://habarikenya.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones make her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?

Nipples are highly sensitive.They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station ina hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts

19) GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the markof a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina.Atleast buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down here, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie thereAnd don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first .And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.


30) TAKING PICTURES

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words " to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.


31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no! no!

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on

37) TALKING DIRTY

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you

39) SQUASHING HER

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily she will turn

40) THANKING HER.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Monday, April 03, 2006





Fact About Marriages!!

The L Word:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: PHONE RINGING

Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself !!