Ask the Doctor

Que: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Ans: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Que: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Ans: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Que: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Ans: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Que: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Ans: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Que: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Ans: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Que: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Ans: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Que: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
AnsDefinitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Que: Is chocolate bad for me?
Ans: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Que: Is swimming good for your figure?
Ans: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Que: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Ans: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ouch....

A man was heading home after a drinking spree. When
he was approaching his home, armed gangsters blocked
him and took command of his vehicle.

On frisking him they failed to get any money and out of
frustration they decided to punish him by driving into his
compound and tying him naked on a tree which was
situated at the corner of his house and left him there
naked while his hands and legs were tied to the tree.
They then took off.

In the morning his worried wife woke up only to see
her husband naked on the tree with his manhood dangling.
she screamed and ran to call the villagers since she
thought the man was either dead or crazy.

When the villagers came, they immediately untied him
and brought him down. The man immediately, armed
with a stick went straight for the young calf which was
grazing and started chasing it all over the compound,
and when villagers protested he said "you have no idea
what this calf has done to me the whole night!!!"

The calf had mistaken his manhood for the mothers’ tits
and tried to suckle milk the whole night without success!