jump ..jump!!!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine
a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the
genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the
deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is
to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for
the privilege of having
sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any
job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with
her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex
with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be!
in the room to witness the
act

(Makes one shudder at the thoug ht.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a
man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this
law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the
premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great
as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side
when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts!!!

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

stupid wives?

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think
about it," he chuckles.

"Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her
bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her.

"She doesn't even have a penis!"

merlot

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby
table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts
it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman,
saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine
and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own
back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I
have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a
woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE
BOTTLE BACK."

women....

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Selfraising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


I HOPE NO ONE WAS OFFENDED .........

Live well, Love much, Laugh often

an arab at the airport

An arab was being interviewed at a US
checkpoint.
Your name pls.
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!!
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"


What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
and .... Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"


Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY
section.


Teacher : What do you want to become?
Little Johnny : Doctor !!
Teacher : Why?
Little Johnny : Coz its the only profession where
u can tell a woman
to take off her clothes and ask her husband to
pay for it.


Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful,
I'll rather have baby
than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust
the chair accordingly.


Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die wanted her
tombstone to read
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened
it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "


A kid asked the priest " Father, what is your
pastime?"
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied
"Nun, my child, nun"

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had
forgotten everything !!!

NO SPEEKA DA ENGLISH........

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation. An american woman is sitting
across from them.
The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first,
but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the
following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about
our
sex
lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spella 'Mississippi'."


I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

Breaking the bad news . . . . . . . .

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr Kipsang? This is Mutiso your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mutiso. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, Iam just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mutiso?"

"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir.
They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of
the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her.

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a

jogoo to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's

political stance.


A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next

generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of

security while you're actually being screwed.



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."